Monthly Archives: November 2012

Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa! (Part 2)

Part 1 can be found here.

Denial is a powerful thing. When you think about it, it’s the beginning of so many evils. No one ever sets out to be wicked, to do evil things in the sight of God. When we lie, when we spread malicious gossip, when we pass judgement on those around us, we deny the dignity of our fellow children of God. When we drag the sins of others out into the light of day, we also reveal the leprous fruit of our own hearts. And yet we still consider ourselves spotless, or at worst “basically a good person” but then go about pocketing a handful of pens at work, telling a “white lie,” passing on malicious gossip, judging the ones we love the most, or a thousand other stains we spill on our souls without thinking twice. We get by because we tell ourselves a different story, and we believe it.

Some things do happen by merely by chance, without being predestined. Randomly selecting an encyclical and getting Misericordia Dei: The Mercy of God was not one of those things. It was, without a doubt, an example of God throwing something in my path. For the past 6 years, I never once denied my need to go to Confession. I denied my ability to go and denied what exactly I needed to confess. I didn’t want to go digging around in my past. I thought if I just ignored those sins and avoided committing them again, it was just as good as confessing.

It wasn’t.

Confess all the sins!

After realizing that I would have to go in and confess everything, including everything I had left out in my previous Confession, and everything I had done since, I seriously started to reconsider. I paused in my Confession preparation and started browsing Catholic websites for a loophole, some verbiage I could use to refer to the sin without revealing what it was. What I found was what should have been obvious: I was just going to have to do it.

Through my browsing, I also found encouragement. Unfortunately, in my anxiety, I did not keep track of the sites I visited, but I wish I could recommend them. Some of the advice I received was that priests have heard everything, and they know we’ve sinned. They know the nature of our humanity, the darkness that we live in, and give in to. When we come to Confession, full of sorrow, and admitting the fullness of our sins, they don’t think ill of us–they think we’ve been brave to confess! With this reassurance, I went back to preparing my list, and praying that once I was done, I would be given the grace to look Father Ed in the eye afterwards.

Despite the large size of our parish, I’m sure Father Ed recognizes me from Mass and knows that I haven’t been to Confession. This is good news, because it means that he’ll understand me bringing a printed guide. No matter what, I wasn’t going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. And I wasn’t going to forget any “major” sins and have to go through this again.

The Rite of Reconciliation

I left work a little earlier than originally expected and arrived at the church just before 3:30. It was very dark–I don’t think any of the overhead lights were on; the only light was coming from the sacristy and the choir loft. There was music coming from the choir loft, and I thought for a moment that perhaps Clint, our organist, was playing. I realized quickly that it was a radio playing classical music. I sure would have liked to hear Clint playing right then, though–it would have been deliciously soothing!

There was a young man sitting in the very back pew. The Confessional is at the back of the church, on the right side, and he was essentially sitting right by the door. I took the pew in front of him and knelt down. I have no idea what I prayed. When I had finished, another man walked in and sat on the left side of the church. I didn’t think anyone was in the Confessional yet, but it was very dark, so I wasn’t sure. After I was done praying, I started going over my list again, and of course, had to add a few things to it.

A third man walked in and sat a few pews in front of me, for a total of 4 people waiting for Confession. Not a very long line, and there was only one person in front of me. It was a few minutes after 3:30 when a short, Indian man walked out from the sacristy, wearing a cassock. I suddenly remembered: Father Ed went to Rome! This must be the Priest who’s taking his place for the week!

I immediately said a prayer of thanksgiving. Knowing I would likely never see this man again made it so much easier. The Priest went into the Confessional, and the first young man followed. I pulled my rosary out of my pocket and kissed the crucifix. I was already starting to get weepy. Almost time.

When my time came, I sat down in the Confessional, face to face, and immediately started to cry. You see, I didn’t want to confess some of these sins because it was embarrassing  but there were others, so many others that I kept in my heart and refused to confess. I lived in denial for so long, always telling myself that what I did couldn’t be helped based. I listened to what society says is right and wrong because I couldn’t bear to admit my sins. Other sins I made other excuses for, but it was all denial.

I’ve spent my whole life building a wall of sin to shut God out and at the same time, desperately trying to see Him through the cracks. But every moment of misery, every bit of pain and suffering I endured, it wasn’t a trial God put me through, a test I had to pass, a challenge to try my faith, it was all my fault, my fault, my most grievous fault!

I could barely see my list, my eyes were so full of tears. Father acknowledged each sin with a brief “uh-huh” and before I knew it, I was at the end. As he began to speak to me of God’s constant forgiveness, I bowed my head in shame. But when I received Absolution, it was all gone, and it was over.

I had to own up to what I did. I could make any excuse I want, but I always had a choice. I suffered, and others suffered because of what I’ve done. Once I received Absolution, it was official. Those horrible, unmentionable things I did in my past are gone. I’ve brought my sins out into the light where they no longer have any claim on me. I’m free.

At Mass on Sunday, I approached the alter with renewed confidence. I received the Eucharist with renewed blessings. Like a child afraid of the doctor, I denied my sickness until the infection was allowed to spread unabated. No more, no more. Now I’ve had the infection cut out, with pain and tears. I’m stronger now, and coming back to good health.

Categories: Chasing After God, What the Catholic Church Teaches | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Where did the Mass readings and prayers go?

To their own blog! In my zeal for organization, I decided to move readings and prayers to their own space, which can be easily accessed from the top menu or by going to

Categories: Daily Readings | Leave a comment

Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa!

I’ve had a lot of good posts floating around in my head. They tend to stay up there, floating around, each the very pinnacle of greatness and bloggy perfection. Beautiful flowers they are, each of them, sweet smelling and delicate. It’s a pity they wilt the very instant I sit down to type them out.

I’d like to type one of them out for you, but instead, I’m going to write about a topic I very much did not ever plan to write about. Let’s talk about Confession.

Hey! Where are you going? Get back over here!

I must confess…

How did I even get on this topic? Certainly not of my own doing. When we converted to Catholicism back in 2007, we had to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation at some point during Lent. I went the last day it was available. I walked in, rattled off my “major” sins, as I had been told to do, read the prayer from the sheet, and got out of there!

Let’s talk about “major” sins for a moment here. How do we define “major” sins? Um, how about if we just name the ones we’re okay with naming? That sounds good! I mean, there is a line in there where we say we are sorry for all the sins of our past life, so that works, right? I mean, there’s no point in rattling off every single one. Just a brief overview of the ones we’re comfortable with should be more than sufficient.

Let’s just say that based on what I determined to not be worth mentioning…dear Pope Benedict VI might make a public statement denying that the Catholic Church has any association with me. I left out some big stuff. Really big. Without going into detail, I had a few wild and crazy wilderness years before I met my darling husband. Years I wish more than anything I could take back. To top it off, I didn’t go back to Confession. About 3 years ago, I started listening to daily Mass on EWTN and I kept hearing over and over again about the importance of Confession. I bought a few guidebooks and started planning to go. I mean, it would be pretty easy, right? I just had to go over the sins since I went to confession before. But as I kept studying up for my perfect Confession, I realized I needed to confess those old sins, too. What’s more, I realized I wanted to.

It’s just really super hard to get to Confession.

I mean, I don’t remember what the schedule was like at our church in Tulsa, but here in Norman, Confession is heard Saturday from 3:30-4:30. I work until 7:30 most weekends. Sure, I could make it down to the church and back on my lunch break, but….what if there’s a long line? Am I going to have time to eat? I really need to rest on my break, you know. On the Saturdays that I’m off, I’m usually off because I have somewhere to go, someplace to be. This once a week thing is really inconvenient for me. Yeah, I can make an appointment, but Father Ed is so busy, I don’t want to make him go out of his way for me just so I can tell him what a lousy human being I am.

I can keep going if you like. I have a whole bag of excuses over here.

But I suppose none of them are really very good.

So, I’ve spent the last 3 years filling my bag with excuses and carrying on, ever so sad that I just can’t manage to get into Confession.

Well, recently, I’ve started reading encyclicals. I’ll pick one at random, read it, and revel in it. I love them so very much. To hear our beloved Popes, speaking frankly, bluntly and lovingly on Church teachings is such a wonderful gift. And thanks to the handy dandy internet, I can read any of them, whenever I want. Lovely, lovely, lovely. A few days ago, I randomly picked Pope John Paul II’s Misericordia Dei: The Mercy of God. Guess what it’s about?

The Mercy of God

The importance of making a good Confession cannot be overstated. Canon law 960 states:

“Individual and integral confession and absolution are the sole ordinary means by which the faithful, conscious of grave sin, are reconciled with God and the Church; only physical or moral impossibility excuses from such confession, in which case reconciliation can be obtained in other ways”

Blessed Pope John Paul II goes on to state that all sins must be confessed, not just the “major” ones, citing Canon 988:

 Since “the faithful are obliged to confess, according to kind and number, all grave sins committed after Baptism of which they are conscious after careful examination and which have not yet been directly remitted by the Church’s power of the keys, nor acknowledged in individual confession”, any practice which restricts confession to a generic accusation of sin or of only one or two sins judged to be more important is to be reproved. Indeed, in view of the fact that all the faithful are called to holiness, it is recommended that they confess venial sins also.

This blessed Sacrament is so essential that Bl. Pope John Paul II goes into great detail about the administration of it. The proper facilities must be available, reasonable requests for appointments must never be turned down, the priest should be visible so that the faithful immediately know where to go, and a “fixed grille” must be present to accommodate those who desire it. He even goes on to suggest that, when possible, Confessions be heard before and during every Mass.

Ready or not!

Upon finishing the encyclical, I wanted more than ever to make Confession, and to receive Absolution. In fact, I felt like I should do it before receiving Communion again. I double checked the parish website early in the week, and sure enough, Confession is going down Saturday from 3:30-4:30, and I was scheduled to work until 5:30. Too bad. Once again, my schedule is just working against me. I kept thinking about it throughout the week, wondering if I could take an incredibly late lunch….no, no, it wouldn’t work out.

When I arrived at work on Saturday, my manager advised me that we were overstaffed and I could leave at 3:30.

I reached for my bag of excuses. It was still full, let me tell ya, but none of them fit!

This is what I wanted, wasn’t it? I sat down with my Laudate app and started preparing my confession. I was feeling pretty good about it until, out of nowhere, the truth came calling.

There’s no scheduling conflict, there’s no time crunch, no nothing. I haven’t made it to Confession because I don’t want to go to Confession and I’m not going to! There is no way on this earth I am walking in there and telling another human being I did all of these things!!!!! I can’t bear to think of these sins, how can I speak of them? Can’t I just leave them in the past?

So, I have a few choices. I can go in there and confess a good portion of my sins, get it over with and just keep to the straight and narrow so I don’t have to humiliate myself in such a way ever again. Or, I can go in, make another “general” Confession and make a mockery of the Holy Sacrament, which would only further blemish my soul and put a greater distance between myself and the God I’ve pledged to chase after.

Or I can just never go to Confession again and reassure myself with the old, “Lots of Catholics don’t go to Confession.”

It sounds like such a no brainer, but that’s how shame works.

You can read the conclusion to my Confession saga here.

Categories: Chasing After God, What the Catholic Church Teaches | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Why Bother With Confession?

Why is it important to make a good Confession, formally, to a Priest? Why should we have to tell anyone how we’ve sinned? Well, there’s accountability, for one thing:

When you make your confession to a priest, you acknowledge that you have sinned not only against God, but against every single other Christian because by your sin, you have lessened the universal witness of every single Christian. You have given the non-believer the excuse that “All Christians are hypocrites.” When you go to Confession you acknowledge that you have caused every Christian to suffer by your sins.  —Dr. Taylor Marshall, Canterbury Tales

The book of James speaks of Confession in general terms:

“Confess therefore your sins one to another: and pray one for another, that you may be saved. For the continual prayer of a just man availeth much.”  –James 5:16

As for Absolution, when Jesus ordained His apostles, He instructed them to forgive sins on His behalf:

” He said therefore to them again: Peace be to you. As the Father hath sent me, I also send you.When he had said this, he breathed on them; and he said to them: Receive ye the Holy Ghost. Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven them; and whose sins you shall retain, they are retained.” –John 20:21-23

“As the Father hath sent me, I also send you.” Right there. Jesus sends the Apostles out as His representatives on earth. Not to skip to another topic entirely, but it also comes down to who a Priest is, an ambassador. When I confess my sins to the Priest, he is standing in on behalf of Jesus Christ, and when he gives me Absolution, he is doing so on behalf of Jesus Christ.

The early church confessed openly to each other in the congregation, according to the Didache. This was the first means of confession.

In the congregation thou shalt confess thy transgressions, and thou shalt not betake thyself to prayer with an evil conscience. This is the way of life. –Didache 4:14

They did this every week, on the Lord’s day.

“On the Lord’s Day of the Lord come together, break bread and hold Eucharist, after confessing your transgressions that your offering may be pure;” –Didache 14:1

Over time, it evolved into the practice we know today, where Confession is heard only by a Priest, which, really makes far more sense than telling the whole of the congregation. Especially since Jesus gave authority to forgive sins to His Apostles, not all mankind, so only the Apostles could give Absolution.

There are, of course, far deeper and more personal reasons to make a good Confession. More on that very soon.

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7 Quick Takes Friday: Vol 10


My first thought upon seeing Jennifer’s 7 Quick Takes in my Google Reader queue was something along the lines of “What the crap are people doing on the internet right now?!?!?!?!?!?” I’m utterly brain dead after two days of non-stop baking, driving, and eating. Of course, a look around at Jen’s blog shows that dozens of bloggers are posting their takes. Good gravy. Now I feel obligated.


Yes, I’m one of those obsessive people who weighs myself every morning, especially on mornings when I know I won’t like the results. We attended a grand total of 3 Thanksgiving feasts between Wednesday and Thursday. Between Wednesday morning and Friday morning….I gained 4 pounds.

The scale don’t lie.

So there’s the bad news. The good news (or really, horribly, terrible news, depending on your point of view) is that I thought it would be worse…


Scott and I watched all 3 (REAL) Spiderman movies in the last week. We watched that pitiful excuse for a reboot as well, which is what spurred the marathon. Had to wash the taste of the reboot out of our mouths. Now, when I saw the 3rd movie in the theater, I hated it. In fact, I don’t think I ever watched it again, and someone bought me the DVD when it first came out. However, it was better on the second watch. Much better than the reboot.

I’m sorry, but Sam Raimi’s Spiderman was perfect–for 2 movies, anyway. It was somewhat less than perfect, but still wonderful, for a 3rd.


I’m redesigning my blog to make it more sortable! So, up top, you can go straight to Daily Mass Readings, Daily Prayers (which, sadly, are posted far less than daily), or to Everything Else if you want to skip straight to hearing my psychotic babbling about the Catholic Church, food, and whatever else pops into my line of sight.


2 years ago, I was able to get a free printer from the employee rewards program at work. It’s this one here, to be specific. There were several printers available from the program, and I did my research, and made sure I got the best one. We’d been through several printers, but when it came to printing photos, which was my #1 wish, we never quite got the quality we wanted. At the time, (I have no idea if it’s currently true) it was the highest rated printer on Amazon. I was so excited when it came! Of course, we were moving, so I left it in the box. For the next few months. I had to hook it up to print out income tax return information. And then I printed coupons from time to time. Printed out quite a few papers for our trip back in September. A few months ago, I had to replace the ink, and it dawned on me that we had not printed a single photo! Just documents! How boring is that? So, a few days ago, I bought a 12$ collage frame at WalMart and printed out 7 pictures from our vacation, added a vintage postcard and voila! I finally used my printer! Then, I took a hasty, blurry picture of it with my cellphone…

…and sent it to my sister in the hopes that she could feel the picture quality without being able to really see it. They actually turned out very well! Good to know how well the printer works after having it for 2 years.


Yes, that’s a picture of Scott and Elvis. And the picture above it, that you can’t really see because of the flash? That’s me and a different Elvis.


I keep telling myself I don’t need to go to the store, I mean, ANY store today. My brain, however, is just convinced that I must. Pete’s sake, I’m working until 9:30pm (gotta love retail holiday hours), so why would I want to go to some overcrowded, overshopped store? I guess since I work right next to WalMart, the marketing vibes are hitting my brain every day.

Brain: Hey, I need to go get some more green tea after work.

Me: What the? Dude! We have, like, 4 boxes of it at home!

Brain: But I don’t know how much of the mint I have left.

Me: Ssssh! Whatevs! If we run out, we can just make of the plain tea and put some toothpaste in it!

Brain: Fine. *1 hour later* Hey, we need to stop and get some fruit!

Me: Seriously?!?!?! We bought 20 pounds of fruit only a week ago! We’ve still got tons to go through!

Brain: But I don’t know that I have enough blueberries.

Me: Pete’s sake! We have at least 15 bananas and who knows how many bags of strawberries! We’ll get by!

Brain: Fine. *45 minutes later* Hey, let’s go get a new picture frame after work!

Me: What?!?!?! No, no, no! No more picture frames until I get some more pictures printed off!

Brain: Fine. *Half an hour later* I need yeast! What if I want to make some homemade bread?


And we go back and forth like that pretty much all day.

We being…me. And me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Only a week and 2 days left until Advent! I hope it will be merry and bright for all!

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